John Hodgman's amusing end-of-the-world book, That is All, www.amazon.com/That-All-John-H…
includes among other diversions a list of 700 Ancient and Unspeakable Ones who will return to wreck havoc until the Century Toad splits the planet in two. Most are very lightly described, and for my amusement I have been writing short reports on some of them, which I have decided to share.
With apologies to Hodgman, to whom all credits, plaudits, and moneys are due.
1. REPORT: CTHULHU CARL
First reports emerged from impoverished neighborhoods, run down industrial cities, old train stations. Reports of people glimpsed being dragged aboard cargo vans of moving trains or down alleys by a hulking man in ragged, derelict clothing, with a scarf and high collar concealing much of his face. Among the various disturbing events of the time these reports were largely lost in the shuffle, but Abomination Control took notice when the computer flagged mention of “tentacles” in one report, in which the mystery perp’s scarf was displaced in a struggle, exposing, in the witness’ own words, “crawling, writhing, wet worms, no, tentacles, all over his face oh God they squirmed..”
It was eventually determined that the Abomination was skipping around from location to location by flying at night (slowly, heavily) with leathery wings which sprouted from its back, after it was caught on smartphone while passing over the parking lot of a 7-11, which relieved worries that the Abomination in question was a teleporter. It eventually emerged that “Carl”, as It called Itself, was attempting to set itself up as some sort of divinity of hoboes, wandering the mean streets, riding the rails, and frequenting former jungles with a rather pathetic ignorance of the fact that the Hobo lifestyle had largely ceased to exist, It’s Hobo argot laughably outdated. Still, It worked at it, punishing those who disrespected him by devouring them whole, and rewarding the faithful with swigs of a powerfully hallucinogenic rot-gut dispensed from an ever-filled bottle in a paper bag.
Authorities finally caught up with it outside of Akron, Ohio, interrupting it’s consumption of a drug dealing under an overpass. By this time during the Slow Catastrophe Abomination Control had learned that bullets usually were rather ineffectual, and so the interruption was carried out with shoulder-launched missiles, followed by flamethrowers. The resulting greenish-black flaky material began to evaporate into a green gas, and although Disposal Team managed to gather much of it with vacuums and hydrogen-rated storage tank, the last of it had vanished from confinement within two months in spite of best efforts and practices. As of current date, there have been multiple reports of a mystery “murder hobo” wandering the roads and rails of Eastern Europe, but International Control has decided that a single-incarnation, low-visibility Abomination responsible for less than a hundred deaths is a low-priority target and future disincorporations can be left to properly informed local authorities.
2. REPORT: NICK NOLTE
It proved a considerable surprise when actor Nick Nolte was revealed to be the current incarnation of an Abomination, turning into a hideous feathered lizard-man with a beard of snakes on live television and announcing the end of the world. Several thousand viewers went insane, and hundreds of thousands were severely shaken and required in many cases psychiatric aid. Thank goodness for Cable TV’s fragmentation of the viewing audience!
Nolte has been spotted at many locations around the globe since, often riding a colossal flying serpent-thing with gaudy feathers and silly little hands and feet. Outbreaks of madness and hysteria usually follow these appearances, as well as rains of blood, plagues of boils and women giving birth to snakes and lizards. Efforts to shoot him down by the militaries of various nations have so far been ineffectual, since he apparently only appears in a largely non-material form, nearby explosions causing grotesque but temporary and apparently harmless swellings, shrinkages, and distortions. So far, Nolte has not been observed in unpopulated areas where atomic weapons might be employed, and tends to turn into a shimmering mist and simply disappear if followed by plane or helicopter.
Nolte will occasionally vomit up bloody, six-foot tapeworms as he flies by. These are material enough, apparently immortal (cutting them apart just leads to more tapeworms, and they do not seem to need to eat or breathe) and constantly murmur unspeakable horrors in what observers will claim to be a version of their own native language, sometimes in the voice of dead relatives. They should be closely confined, since if they get loose, they tend to try to crawl up the ass of sleeping people.
Nolte will also occasionally interrupt TV programming to make further pronouncements of doom. Experiencing this is often bad for ones sanity and always bad for morale, so viewers are encouraged to immediately mute the TV and close their eyes at the first glimpse of his scaly phiz. In case the mute does not working, fingers in ears and loud humming is recommended.
3. REPORT: SOMETHING ALAN
People have reported meeting an odd, bald man who engages them in rambling conversations after introducing himself. Nobody quite remembers what he talked about later, and other people claim not to have seen any such bald person. The one thing the witness will remember is the bald man’s name, which will be something Alan – Fred Alan, George Alan, Ted Alan, Bruce Alan, etc., and comparably everyday names in Arabic, Chinese, etc. However, over time, the witness will begin to grow uncertain as to the actual first name of Alan. Was it actually Fred? Or was it Bob? Or maybe Frank or Louie? Or Bill or Jim or Ed or Bernie or Steve?
The witness, now known as “the victim” will become increasing obsessed with remembering Alan’s first name, claiming it is “just on the tip of their tongue.” Before long work habits suffer, sleeplessness sets in, and grooming drops off. In cases where the name was written down during the early phase of seeming certainty, the victim will claim that the name is incorrect, and eventually that it is not their writing and that some sort of hoax is being pulled on them.
Eventually, after three months, the victim is essentially comatose, unable to say anything save slowly muttering “…Alan….Alan…Alan” and must be supported intravenously. So far the process has proven impossible to interrupt, and the only defense available has been an effort to educate people on the risk of bald, garrulous strangers: Something Alan does not appear to people who already know about him (or rather It). As of current date, there have been several thousand reported cases of Something Alan.
4. REPORT: CHOK-UTHUG’UL, THE SCOREKEEPER
This uniquely annoying abomination was not identified as one of the Ancient Unspeakable Ones for some time, since It appears only in dreams and people were often reluctant to report such dreams and uncertain as to whether it was Abomination Action or just their own insecurities.
The victims report finding themselves sitting in front of a huge desk, behind which sits a massive shape somewhat resembling a one-eyed liver in a suit, who inspects a huge book open before it. They report feeling not so much terror as nervous tension, as if waiting for an annual assessment report from their boss. This grotesque will sigh sadly, shake it’s amorphous above-the-collar appendage, and begin to speak.
The being (whose name, Chok-Uthug’ul, is written in jagged lines on a shiny nameplate sitting on the desk) will then proceed to report on their lives. It will explain (usually) how badly they are doing, how little decent sex they are getting, how little money they are making, how few people they are impressing, the low resale value of our car, how tedious their conversation is, how shitty the food they eat is, and how they are currently very likely to die with very little improvement. Frequent comparisons are made with all the people who are doing better than the victim. At the end, with further grim head-equivalent-shaking, Chok-Uthug’ul will give the victim a score for their life so far, which is variously a number, a percentage, or a letter grade, and in a few cases a grade of alcohol (usually something quaffed by the most improverished and desolate of winos).
Victims are left deeply depressed, and often indulge in self-destructive drinking, drug use, etc. in efforts to make themselves feel better. Others engage in high-risk behavior in attempting to change their situation, in some cases attempting fraud, robbery or rape to improve their “score.” It is perhaps odd that with the world possibly coming to an end in spite of all our struggles people should be so concerned with this notion, but it is usually the case that contact with Abominations is counter-indicated for continued sanity.
A very few successful people have received favorable scores. They tend to become increasingly smug and self-satisfied, although this is usually not particularly noticeable.
The number of people visited by Chok-Uthug’ul now numbers in the millions.
5. REPORT: THE WEEPER
The Weeper sits in the middle of Rio Habour, Brazil, and sobs and weeps and moans. It does this continuously, and it is loud enough to be audible pretty much all over the city. It also is, even sitting down, nearly half a mile tall. It has therefore been decided by the authorities to leave it alone, as long as it doesn’t do anything else. Possibly if the current flow of people out of the city reaches the point where a total evacuation is possible (and the world doesn’t end in the meantime), nuclear weapons might be tried.
The Weeper is black, slimly, multi-limbed, many eyed, and grossly corpulent. It arose from the water as a slow bubbling of gelatinous horror which eventually solidified into its current form six months ago. Since then it has never ceased to weep, and sob, and groan. It produces 450,000 cubic meters of tears per hour. Its tears are acidic and have killed all life in the bay, and smell of damp soil. The Weeper itself smells like onions, which is noticeable all over the city when the wind is right.
6. REPORT: TOG-AGGOTH, THE 87TH PRESIDENT
Tog-Aggoth (“Brian” to his friends) has been a minor notable for a while, as an inspired raconteur, a major donor to charity, and a man of unmeasured but immense private wealth, distributed in banks world-wide. It is only recently that he has come forward as Tog-Aggoth the Ageless, one of the Ancients whose coming was foretold, but not, he assures people, one of the bad guys. He claims to be, in spite of his agelessness and transcendence of the flow of time, quite human, and has provided proof in the form of hair and skin samples which indeed are quite normal in their genetics.
Toth-Aggoth is a tall, thin, bony man, standing some six foot five, with pale, finely wrinkled skin, snow-white hair, long-fingered, knob-knuckled hands, and very white and somewhat too widely spaced teeth. In spite of an appearance of old age, he is as energetic as and possesses senses apparently sharp as a man in his thirties. He claims to have no memory of being any different than he is now as far back as he can remember, which is four to five thousand years, or as far forward as he can remember (two to three thousand).
Currently Tog-Aggoth is doing TV spots and speaking appearances, demonstrating a glib and sophisticated speaking style and a mastery of (so far observed) fourteen different languages. He assures the public that in at least some futures humanity will survive, and indeed he will become the 87th president of the United States (a somewhat different political organization by that time) some two and a quarter centuries into those futures. (He self-deprecatingly jokes he’s getting a little early campaigning in).
When questioned as to how he could be elected as a US president when his birth was long before it came into existence, Tog-Aggoth notes that like the early presidents, he was “grandfathered in” by virtue of having been living in Virginia at the time of the declaration of independence.
Tog-Aggoth has been quite helpful with advice, has warned Abomination Control well in advance of various dangerous new threats, and made numerous suggestions as to how at least some of humanity may survive the ongoing Slow Catastrophe. He has also revealed a great deal of fascinating historical detail. However, many of his actual statements are somehow more disturbing than helpful, such as his noting that since he only inhabits histories he is comfortable with, if he disappears we can assume that we are one of the versions of ourselves that don’t survive. His evocation of innumerable histories is dizzying and crushing in its vastness, and implies choice is meaningless, since some version of our future selves must suffer through all possible outcomes. His lectures on the nature and history of some of the many horrors now battening on humanity can be downright soul-crushing, and some social scientists and philosophers wonder if the overall effect is more negative than positive.
Most of the future science he has shared is useless due to the “lack of tools to make the tools to make the tools” issue, and is any case usually impossible to prove right or wrong due to inability to create the necessary test conditions; some call him a fraud and a charlatan, although he has never been caught in a lie in cases where he can be tested. It is certainly the case that a good documentary record has been established tracing his previous existence back before the mid-18th century, although some remark on the fact that nobody noticed his abnormal lifespan before he made himself publically known. (The fact that he moved a lot may account for this).
Various efforts by Abomination Control to have Tog-Aggoth confined as a potential menace or rendered to an Abomination Control research center have failed. Being well-spoken and very rich offers a considerable degree of immunity, and in any event Tog-Aggoth has told AC agents that since he knows the futures, why should he choose to inhabit ones where we succeed in capturing him? (He also claims AC “sadly misapprehends him.” As usual, it is difficult to say whether this is meant to be reassuring or not).
Some members of the chattering classes speak of a Tog-Aggoth “cult” in reference to the increasingly large crowds follow him around in hopes of being “taken with him” if he disappears from this world. In fact, Abomination Control has records of at least 200actual cultic groups which seek hidden meaning in Tog-Aggoth’s speeches and lectures. At least as many other groups claim he is the Antichrist.
7. REPORT: TOGATHA
Togatha is Tog-Aggoth’s sister. She usually remains in his shadow, standing by but not speaking during his appearances, or staying at home in one of their three extensive mansions in New York, Paris and the Hamptons. She is known in the antiques business as a collector of odd and esoteric prehistoric artifacts. She does not give interviews, and when questioned by reporters her answers are short and to the point. They are, however, also often slightly odd, like answers to questions one might hear in a dream, and people often ponder her answers as if they were some sort of deep Buddhist Koan. Seemingly simple answers to standard questions have been known to later inexplicably cause dry heaves, uncontrollable sobbing, or hysterical laughter.
Togatha is almost as tall and even thinner than her brother, and is almost skeletal in build, although always elegantly dressed. Her too-wide smile and red nails are things of subtle horror, and often haunt the dreams of people who have been in close proximity to her.
8. REPORT: TOG-NAMATH, THE PRODUCER
Even Abomination Control was unaware until a couple months ago that Broadway producer, sports promoter, owner of the Eureka Octopi football team and talent scout Joe T. Namath was actually Joe Tog-Namath, brother to Tog-Aggoth and Togatha, the relationship being revealed during an appearance on the Today Show. Unlike his siblings, Tog-Namath is rather obese, if still pale and wrinkled. He is known for the most impressively obscene jokes, wildest parties, and most esoteric flop plays on Broadway, and apparently neither of his siblings thinks much of him, given their tendency, when questioned about him, to become evasive and noncommittal (in the case of Tog-Aggoth) and even more puzzlingly obscure than normal in the case of Togatha.
Tog-Namath swears ignorance of the future (he would have to, or be in danger of innumerable charges of game fixing) but proclaims his “bro” knows what he’s doing. In the meantime he suggests people try to enjoy themselves, buys drinks for everyone in the room, and drops hints about his newest oddball theatrical play, which he claims will be ready for Broadway “well before the world cracks open” and will “expand the heck out of people’s minds – if anyone bothers to show up, anyway!”
Some half of Tog-Namath’s plays are conventional, and at least break even: the other 50% he has produced are all odd, esoteric, mystical, and experimental productions he claims to make “for the balance, man” and which every few people seem to have actually seen, and for record of nothing but a few disjointed fragments of video exist. There are many odd stories about these plays, but the reports of disappearances, onstage deaths, angry apes attacking the audience, disappearing theatres and actors going insane have proven very hard to follow up on. Rumors of all sorts trail after “Joe’s” 50-year career off and on Broadway, and Abomination Control agents continue to struggle against the cloud of unknowing that seems to surround him. For instance, there are over 30 reported cases of illegitimate children fathered by Tog-Namath, but so far none have been found, although in several instances places where they lived and then moved from without forwarding address have been located, and while people who met them have been interviewed, few descriptions have added much to West Virginia resident Joe-bob Elvis Parker’s pithy “Sorta funny-lookin’. Somehows.”
9. REPORT: INDRID COLD
Indrid has been reported as a tall woman of uncertain race and dark complexion, often wearing a turban and a coat. Her eyes are an icy grey, and people report feeling an intense chill when she walks by. She does not usually communicate with people, but walks at a brisk, near-running pace through the streets of cities over 45 degrees north as if with a definite destination, eventually vanishing down some side street or passageway. Within 24 hours, the city she has walked will be hit with a blizzard: as winter has advanced, these have steadily increased in strength and intensity, by now approaching “100 year storm” levels and paralyzing major cities for days.
Some people have been intrigued enough to follow after her and try to engage her in conversation. More aggressive and inopportune efforts often result in the pursuer dropping dead shortly of hypothermia, but some have managed to talk to her and get away with no more than a bad chill. She calls herself Indrid, she is in a great hurry, she in not interested in a date, she doesn’t have a phone, she must catch the wave at its peak or things will go very badly, and the storms will only get worse if stupid people continue to distract her. It is generally recommended that people should break off communication with her at this point.
A month ago in Toronto, she was intercepted by an Abomination Control team and when she refused to stop, was fired upon with portable missile launchers. It is unclear what happened next, but surviving team members - all suffering from severe frostbite – report an “explosion” of icy wind and snow radiating from a central point, as if an opening had been made into a “world of cold”. Those who failed to run (and then limp, and then crawl) away fast enough were frozen solid. Eventually the effect ended, leaving a mass of ice apparently cooled to close to absolute zero filling an area of around 9000 cubic meters, and freezing to death the inhabitants of the adjacent buildings. There followed a period of three days of extremely savage weather globally, after which Indrid Cold was spotted in Sapporo, and weather globally returned to normal, or what passes for such at present.
Currently, active operations against Indrid Cold have been suspended until more effective measures can be determined.
10. REPORT: MR. SMART-TOOTH
Mr. Smart-Tooth first came to the attention of Global Abomination Control when he began broadcasting (in French and Japanese) from somewhere under the Pacific Ocean. Initially believed to be some sort of crank rogue broadcast, it has since been determined to be coming from somewhere below 6,000 feet of water, although the location changes frequently and has never been narrowed down to an area of less than 10,000 square miles.
Mr. Smart-Tooth claims to be a super-intelligent shark, a “brain-shark with 100 brains”, and his broadcasts usually tend to be lengthy monologues about how he will destroy all mankind, all other Ancient and Unspeakable Ones, and make himself sole ruler of the world, and eventually, the cosmos. Most of his plans seem to do with mutated sea life and coral and sea-weed based technology, and tend to be incoherent and full of curious leaps in logic and non sequiturs. They are also often interrupted by sudden changes in topic, which Mr. Smart-Tooth blames on some of his brains occasionally Not Getting With the Game Plan.
Although initially worrysome, Mr. Smart-Tooth is generally categorized as one of the more “low-risk” Abominations, given the improbable nature and exceedingly shoddy construction of his plans. Although there have been a number of incidents related to his plans, such as the mass horseshoe crab attack on Coney Beach, the blockage of the Mumbai sewage system by giant seaweeds, the attack by shrimp-filled and propelled (and rather fragile) zombies on Manila, and the formation of a giant floating fortress of coral in the Atlantic (which has since beached itself in Namibia), most of his predicted coups have not come off, and of late Mr. Smart-Tooth’s broadcasts have become increasingly paranoid and incoherent, laced with accusations of some of his own brains plotting against him. Still, Abomination Control maintains a close lookout for all plans and plots boasted of in his speeches: if he ever does succeed in creating his army of flying Mega-jellyfish-sharks with Giant Sand-Flea parachuting commandoes, casualties could be heavy.
11. REPORT: BING BONG
This rather unusual abomination has apparently only one purpose in life, which is to ring people’s doorbells and then run away. It is never seen approaching, indeed never approaches a doorbell that is being watched, so Abomination Control has had no success in setting traps, but it has been glimpsed running away, a spindly being covered with bristly dark green fur, with arms and legs disproportionately long in relation to its torso, very long, spidery fingers, and a rather small head that does not seem to have a face. It bounds away over the rooftops with great agility, and generally vanishes entirely after leaping high in the air.
Analysis is of course hampered by the fact many people get their doorbells rung by human hooligans, but it is fairly clear that Bing Bong has pestered many millions, requiring it to pretty much continually ring bells day and night, and indeed to simultaneously ring bells at several locations at the same time. In the vast majority of cases, each victim has been doorbell pranked only once, but some have been visited multiple times, and in the case of a few unfortunates, they were pestered almost hourly for days and weeks, finally having to either establish permanent guard services or disconnect their doorbells. It is unknown what causes Bing Bong to lavish extra attention on certain individuals.
Although Bing Bong has never been more than annoying, his actions have caused an unfortunate degree of doorbell vigilantism, and a number of people have found out that putting up signs saying “Danger! Do not press doorbell!” does not entirely legally exculpate them from possible consequences of running a lethal charge of electricity through their ringing mechanism.
12. REPORT: THE CENTURY TOAD
The Century Toad, the supreme God of the Mole Men, is supposedly a giant toad the size of Texas which lives at the center of the Earth. Since the center of the Earth is super-pressurized iron at 7,000 Kelvin, this seems unlikely, but there _has_ been some odd seismic activity seemingly originating at the Earth’s core. Efforts to get the Mole Men to lead AC members through their secret tunnels to the supposed location of the Toad have so far fallen through, perhaps understandably since the point was to smuggle atomic backpack weapons to the Toad’s location.
The AC and other international agencies continue to research the Century Toad: since the Toad is supposed to split the Earth open after other cosmic disasters and Ancient and Unspeakable Ones destroy the surface, it is understandably a subject of some concern.
13. REPORT: THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE
Found eating from a dumpster in Shanghai, the Human Centipede at first inspection appeared to be three human beings surgically attached head to ass, but after an attempt to separate them led to the deaths of the two individuals in the “tail”, it became clear something unusual was taking place. In both cases a secondary system of digestive tubing had developed to carry food from the stomach of the front body to those behind it, so actual coprophagia was not taking place, while new veins and arteries had developed to carry oxygen from the front to the back. The skin-covered eyes had become vestigial, and new connective tissue had grown over the linkages between bodies one and two and two and three. The “head” was largely incoherent, and unless held upright continued to crawl on all fours. The truly disturbing development took place after the “head” of the centipede had been held in confinement by Abomination Control East Asia for two weeks: one of its guards was found in its cell, naked, with his face firmly planted in the “head’s” ass. Skin had already begun to grow over the join.
The guard was successfully separated surgically, the more advanced transformations not having yet begun, with no damage save severe psychological trauma and a serious bacterial infection. When questioned, he claimed to have felt a tremendous compulsion to go into the cell and take a closer look at the “freak”: he claimed to have no memory of taking his clothes off. After a couple more incidents, the Chinese authorities decided to give the centipede what it wanted in the form of two condemned prisoners: the centipede is however apparently capable of further extension, since a member of staff soon tried to become number four. Currently the situation has been brought under control by rotating staff every three days and mandating a month-long interval between on-site duty: this is expensive in terms of personnel costs, but seems to be effective in keeping its influence from catching hold.
The “head” is increasingly uncommunicative, aside from occasional exclamations such as “please kill me” or “please let me die”, and mostly just makes odd clicking or buzzing sounds. Further changes have been noted, with the teeth falling out and being replaced by large fangs, and the former legs undergoing a modification of the joints to allow for more effective and speedy crawling. Some sort of stinger-like organ has begun to develop on the tongue.
On October 3rd, the Human Centipede began to lay eggs.
14. REPORT: THE HUMAN MILLIONPEDE
On September 11, the entire population of Scottsdale, Arizona over the age of 2 formed a Conga line and marched north. Moving in a slow and meandering fashion, they have so far only recently crossed the Canadian border. About 5% of the marchers, most very young or very old, have died en route, but their by now often badly decomposed bodies continue to walk. All are severely dehydrated and emaciated by this point, but less so than they should be naturally, even taking into account substantial efforts to feed and hydrate them as they walk. Marchers are glassy-eyed and uncommunicative, although they will eat or drink if it is brought to their mouths, and mutter endlessly in some sort of unknown language. The fingers of each marcher by this point have taken root in the flesh of the one in front of them.
Initial efforts to separate out marchers, by force and surgical methods, led to failure as the separated went into convulsions and died, while the line closed up and rejoined. (It is to be noted that all members of the line will express disapproval of such activity with inhuman screams, trying to bite, and administering surprisingly athletic side-kicks). Thanks to the use of ancient Egyptian anti-demonic herbal infusions obtained from Book of the Dead II: Die Harder, it has become possible to separate out marchers while keeping them alive, although they remain so far in a cataleptic state. Currently there is substantial debate as to whether to bring in all 202,154 living walkers to medical care (possibly impractical due to the limited supply of Tanna leaves) or to allow the march to continue so their ultimate destination can be determined.
15. REPORT: THE HUMAN UNIPEDE
This exceedingly gross entity has been reported in restrooms, outhouses, port-a-potties, etc. since early July. It is blood red, slimy, wrinkled, and hairless, and bounds about on a single centrally located leg. It has a very long, black tongue and skinny, delicate hands and arms. It appears to be an obligate corprophage, and is usually busy doing exactly what you would think. It is impossibly flexible and passes easily in and out of toilet pipes in the most alarming way. Shooting it is not recommended, since it does it no real harm and you really don’t want to deal with what squirts out. Currently the Unipede hasn’t killed anyone, although it has (literally) scared the shit out of a bunch of people (being licked in the ass unexpectedly can be rather disturbing to your peaceful restroom-goer). Currently the most problematic result has been a global increase in toilet-training problems, as little kids sense that their parents also fear the toilet (quite irrationally, in a statistical sense: the Unipede is nowhere near as ubiquitous as, say, Bing Bong). The Japanese call it an Akaname, but what do they know?
16. REPORT: DAN AND RICK, THE STINK BROTHERS
Dan and Rick were initially mistaken for more conventional bums, but as reports circulated across Europe of a pair of incredibly foul-smelling tramps which left an indelible stink behind them, it became clear they were something both more and less than bum.
They have been photographed, elderly but solid-looking, with tangled masses of grey-black hair matted with dirt, crumbs, and God knows what, faces almost black with grime and of uncertain racial background, fingernails with mold apparently growing on them, and filthy, ragged clothing which appears to be worn in multiple layers, of which the outermost is the least (if still very) offensive; bits of black, greasy “stuff” often drop down their pants legs or out from under their jackets, possibly the sloughing-off of the innermost layer: analysis continues under full biowarfare security protocols. They converse loudly and almost constantly, addressing eachother as “Dan” and “Rick”, which is about the only comprehensible part of their conversation, aside from their occasional demands for “spare change” in the local lingo: about half of their normal conversation consists of words from no known language, the other half of words randomly taken from at least a dozen languages. They often pull bottles from their innumerable pockets for a swig, or bits and scraps of food often in a noticeable state of decomposition.
What really sticks in people’s minds is their smell, which is incredibly foul and has stimulated a rich variety of simile and metaphor on the part of witnesses which have encountered them. Worse is the fact that if one touches them skin to blackened, greasy skin (say, when giving them change to GO AWAY), the smell will never entirely leave you, and although nobody else can smell it, it will be faintly present for as a yet indeterminate time: no victim so far has reported any improvement, and many have to be restrained after a while to avoid scrubbing their skin off. This is the result of peaceful encounters: thugs and punks which have offered physical violence to the stink brothers soon become as unbearably malodorous themselves, to everyone, and usually attempt suicide to escape from the odor within a couple days. Areas where the brothers stay for extended period soon become foul, and there are now many park benches, spots under highway overpasses, back alley rag heaps, etc. that have become (even more) unsuitable for human occupation.
Containment may be difficult. Corralled by German police using animal control tools to push them into a police truck without actually touching them, they broke out overnight from their cell, the outer wall crumbling into greenish-gray sludge and the cell becoming unbearably fetid, a smell which soon spread to the entire police station, rendering it uninhabitable. EC toxic waste regulations make it difficult to legally blow them to bits, a consideration which was rather strengthened by the Sebis incident, in which overenthusiastic local militias set them on fire with flamethrowers after riddling them with machine gun bullets: the two brothers burned very merrily, but continued walking onwards, setting much of the town ablaze and producing such vast volumes of poisonous black smoke as to force a general evacuation: the town was later written off as a total loss. Some theories hold that nuking them might simply spread their odor to the entire planetary atmosphere, so restraint is called for in future encounters. (Two “incredibly stinky” tramps, wearing fresh if already dirty rags and bald heads starting to grow in with oily-looking stubble, were later reported in Moldova).
Current plans involve high-pressure hoses and very large quantities of detergent and bleach.
17. REPORT: FANG-FACE AND BABY FANG-FACE
The creature in question, first encountered on the outskirts of Aberdeen by Abomination Control operatives, is a shaggy humanoid some seven feet tall with some resemblance to both the ape and the wolf, with a mouth full of oversize fangs, a roughly six-inch overbite, and impressive eyebrows. It is normally accompanied by a chubby, stubby-limbed miniature of itself, some two feet tall. The creature possesses enough agility to leap across rooftops, superhuman strength enough to pick up and toss a compact car 20 feet, and remarkable regenerative abilities to the point of being able to continue to live with most of its torso blown to bits and pick up and reattach limbs shot off. It also shows a certain nauseous plasticity – not to mention, a disregard for the basic facts of relative physical dimensions - in the way is capable of impossibly enlarging its mouth to swallow people (and in one case, a cow) whole.
Fang-face is also often quite friendly, cheerful, and even chatty, and will only kill, kill and devour, or devour alive people who annoy it. (Fang-Face and Baby Fang-Face do not appear to have genitals). Admittedly, what exactly will annoy it is often unpredictable, and it has eaten people for shooting it, for screaming loudly and persistently, or just using obscene language in its presence. An unprovoked Baby Fang-Face would be downright darling if it did not occasionally bite fist-sized chunks out of people at random.
This does not apply in the case Fang-face sees itself a mirror, after which it will go into an animalistic, feral state in which the odds of being de-headed or disemboweled greatly increase. After a few minutes, Fang-face will return to normal, apparently with no consciousness of what has happened, and will often pick up a conversation where it left off, even if the person in question is now missing their head.
It was eventually determined that Fang-face and Baby Fang-Face only manifested themselves when moonlight was present (not a full Moon, anything above the thinnest sliver did it) and when the Moon set or the Sun rose, turned into a fairly normal human being and toddler, both of which upon intensive interrogation claimed ignorance of their alternate selves. Efforts to imprison them proved ultimately ineffective – even a mile of rock overhead failed to prevent the transformation once the Moon rose, and Fang-Face proved capable of gnawing through eighteen inches of steel vault door within three nights.
Later incidents demonstrated that Fang-Face and Baby Fang-Face were, rather than cursed humans, more in the way of a semi-gaseous, non-physical entity possessing and transforming humans and moving from one body to another upon death. Fortunately, their disembodied forms possess enough materiality to be contained, and since the sealing of their current hosts in twenty feet of solid concrete encapsulated in a foot of gas-tight sealant, no further Fang-Face incidents have been reported.
In spite of intensive and in some cases unconventional interrogation of all surviving participants in its creation, the relationship between Fang-Face and a 1970s cartoon remains obscure.
18. REPORT: THE SNEEZER
If you are alone or in a small group and hear a particularly loud and sudden sneeze, do not look up or around or into mirrors for the next 10 seconds; indeed, it best to close your eyes. Ignore any post-sneeze snufflings or scratchy noises, or if anyone else in your group disregards this warning, ignore the screaming. The Sneezer only exists briefly after its sneeze as long as it is not looked at: if looked at, it will persist until the last person to look at it is dead. The Sneezer will only appear in locations where nobody is looking at its point of appearance, so it does not appear in crowded locations. The Sneezer is not recorded save as a fuzzy blur by film or cameras. It will appear in enclosed locations and other locations it could not appear by normal means: forensic evidence from the crash site of India Airlines 221B indicates that it may have appeared behind the pilots in the cabin. Judging from recordings and ear-witness reports of victim’s screams, plus forensic examination of bodies, the Sneezer has fangs, claws and a truly disturbing tongue with something of a drill-like function: the stains it leaves behind indicate sliminess.
There is speculation that the sound the Sneezer makes as it appears is not actually a sneeze, but it certainly sounds like a sneeze.
No matter how loud and startling, do not react to the sneeze.
19. REPORT: THE VOICE FROM THE REFRIGERATOR
This particular Abomination is neither containable nor combatable, but fortunately seems of limited scope. As part of the Report the Odd, Live to See Tomorrow initiative, millions have reported hearing a keening song of despair in the hum of their refrigerator, most often when opening it for a midnight snack. In spite of initial skepticism, extensive testing and double-blind tests have confirmed that something is intermittently changing the sonic profile of most home refrigeration appliances, transforming a normally unnoticeable background noise into a song of utter, if tuneless, sorrow. The problem can often be solved by whaling on your refrigerator with a hammer until its acoustic properties have changed, although this does not guarantee that the sound will not return later, or that your refrigerator will continue to work. Simply avoiding it after 10 PM greatly reduces the chance of being depressed by your fridge: there are also the options of earplugs or moving the appliance into the garage, or at worst moving to a diet of dried or canned foodstuffs. It is strongly recommended that one avoid trying to “tough it out”, since this approach can lead to people sitting and sobbing for hours in front of an open refrigerator, and if nobody intervenes, to suicide, often by squeezing oneself into the fridge and closing the door.
20. REPORT: GHD’L, THE QUICKLY DESCRIBABLE
Ghd’l is essentially a 90-foot long eel with human arms and the head of a wolf and a tendency to snatch people off the decks of small boats at night: otherwise there’s really not much to him, or it maybe. One might also note that Ghd’l smells like a cross between herring and wet dog, or that he/she/it sometimes can be heard howling in the night over the black Ocean, but such facts don’t really add much. So far, various efforts to harpoon or otherwise eliminate this mildly dangerous creature have proven unsuccessful: Ghd’l appears to be cunning and elusive, if not otherwise very interesting.
21. REPORT: COLIN, THE QUICK TO JUDGE
This entity mostly is known for its communications over the internet, in which it will, with a snarky and mean-spirited sense of humor, make snap judgments on people’s morals, ethics and intelligence based on their statements, internet pseudonyms, and occasionally web page design. What distinguished “Colin” (as it identifies itself) from regular internet trolls is that when Colin colorfully curses people which have particularly offended it (say by fighting back), for instance saying “weasels should chew off your nut-sack”, or “shrivel up and die” a manifestation of genital-hungry Mustelidae  or progressive irreversible dehydration will likely rapidly follow. Anyone attracting Colin’s attention on the internet should shut off the computer and avoid returning for a while to the site on which contact took place: misfortune apparently only takes place if the victim reads Colin’s responses. This had led to an unfortunate degree of cyber bullying by normal humans pretending to Colin; such disagreeable behavior has lately died down, though, possibly due to stronger new laws against impersonating an Ancient and Unspeakable and almost certainly due to the fact that Colin tends to track down those who impersonate It.
Predicting who will draw Colin’s wrath is difficult, since Colin’s judgments of people’s actual behavior and ethics tends to be less than 50% accurate and Colin appears to possess a largely blue and orange morality to begin with. It is to be noted that toadying to Colin is a poor strategy: in cases where Colin claims to like people, they end up with lumpy purple warts on their foreheads, “the mark of Colin.” Colin claims to be “a high lord master of the outer dimensions” and “master of the interwebz”, the latter being at least supported by the fact that password access seems no barrier to posting to whatever site It pleases.
Abomination Control has attempted to track down and eliminate Colin by tracing his computer logons, which usually take place in libraries or offices after closing hours, or through unattended home computers. So far Colin has managed to avoid capture or destruction, fleeing through unknown means. It has been glimpsed by janitors and security guards, which report seeing a white, bloated creature with something of both the toad and the ape, with protuberant yellow bulbs for eyes and a huge slobbering mouth. Keyboards are inevitably rendered sticky and gross.
 Some of Colin’s attacks, such as angry weasels, _can_ be defended against with proactive preparations (say, weasel-proof pants).
22. REPORT: JEFFREY, THE FIRST TO SLITHER
Jeffrey O’Connor of 212 Weston Park, Crouch End, London is often referred to as “the first to slither” by virtue of being the first reported worm or snake-like Abomination to appear. Jeffrey turned into a 30-foot worm or slug-like creature with a flattened and distorted but still recognizably human face halfway through the televised soccer game, and after eating the family dog, slithered out of the house, down the street, and squeezed his way into a storm drain. He later grew to the point where he got stuck in a sewer main and was immobilized (causing dozens of toilets to back up) and was dug up and extracted in pieces, which remain alive and are distributed between a dozen labs for study. Unfortunately, before that happened Jeffrey appears to have spawned, leading to the infestation of mini-Jeffreys that continues to plague London in spite of all extermination efforts. (That these creatures are Jeffrey’s offspring rather than a separate problem was confirmed by Jeffrey O’Connor’s mother in law, who stated “They’re definitely his. I’d recognize that vacant, cow-like expression anywhere.”)
23. REPORT: JOHN KERRY, GOD OF THE UNDERWORLD
It is uncertain (and hotly debated by his living relatives) whether John Kerry is actually an Ancient and Unspeakable one, but his mansion in Louisburg Square did collapse into a thousand-foot deep pit glowing with sickly blue flesh-rotting flame, and the dark passage at the bottom leading to deeper abysses does form the “mouth” of a huge stone carving of Kerry’s face. The sinking of some exploratory shafts indicates that the tunnel does not exist save when approached through the pit, which is something of a problem given that so far it has been impossible to get human personnel through the pit without lethal necrosis, and automated rovers are torn apart by glowing skeletons as soon as they enter the tunnel. Said skeletons are prevented from leaving the pit by US army artillery stationed around the rim, but this does not stop the pit from emitting a sulfurous yellow mist which has pretty much destroyed property values for the Beacon Hill neighborhood. Of late things have grown more ominous with the discovery of a Greater Boston Metro Area-wide rash of grave robberies, in which the bodies haven’t been dug up, but rather pulled further down into the earth. This has coincided with a rash of reports of bad dreams from all over the northeast coast, in which people report being visited by a partially skeletonized but still recognizable John Kerry, who tells them that he is the Real Deal and hope is on the way and promises a lifetime of service and terrible strength. The use of atomic weapons, along with the total evacuation of Boston, remains a real option.
24. REPORT: THE NAMELESS GOD OF BLOCK ISLAND, RHODE ISLAND
The God of Block Island appeared rather abruptly some weeks ago and after destroying the ferry and making giant spiny black vines overrun the airport, has made itself the god-ruler of the small local population, which as a result of punishments, human sacrifices, and apparently cannibalism directed at “surplus”, has shrunk from over 1000 to about 300. Observations have been made from a distance by telescope: infiltration of the island has proven impossible, due to the God apparently being immediately aware when anyone new sets foot on the island, and also the manhole-cover sized crabs that lurk in wait right offshore to repel intruders and prevent escapes.
The population now apparently lives off fishing and strange fungi and blackberries which the God has made to sprout everywhere: there is some indication that fields are being prepared for growing some sort of crop in the spring, which would seem to indicate a confidence in the long-term survival of Block Island, and with it the Earth, oddly out of place in these rather apocalyptic times. A temple is being constructed from local rocks, grotesquely carved poles erected, and surprisingly dully nightly rituals carried out.
The God Itself is some thirty feet tall, with four heads, four arms, two torsos, and five legs, covered with mustard-colored mucus and howling incomprehensibly out of its gaping, fang-filled maws, although its subjects seem to get the message somehow. Missile strikes have proved somewhat ineffective, the God and pieces thereof simply sinking into the Block Island soil and arising fully regenerated within minutes, while usually some of the local hostages are killed in the process. This angers the God, and leads It to strike the shores of Massachusetts, Rhode Island, and Long Island with storms, rains of dead fish, swarms of stinging flies, unseasonable frosts, and icky mold. It is theorized that by unleashing enough firepower to sink Block Island beneath the sea, the God will lose its anchor point in this reality and will be banished, but since the God currently seems uninterested in expanding its rule beyond the island, so far such measures have not been sanctioned. And, according to observers with an interest in nature, the bird life is really flourishing under the rule of the God.
25. REPORT: JEEPER CREEPER, AKA “THE DEVOURER OF JUSTIN LONG”
If it has a name of its own, it has never revealed it, so it has become known as “Jeeper Creeper” due to its similarity to the creature appearing in the movies “Jeepers Creepers” and “Jeepers Creepers 2”, (some survivors of its early attacks in fact referenced the movie). This bat-winged humanoid abomination is normally composed largely of decaying human tissue, which it replaces regularly with bits and pieces taken from human victims. It differs from the creature in Victor Salva’s amusing work in that it continued in its depredations well after the 23 day limit, and was occasionally chatty, with a tendency towards such unpleasant humor as prank-calling the Abomination Control home office.
Jeeper Creeper was subject to a nation-wide manhunt in the US after it ate Justin Long, star of “Jeepers Creepers”, as it explained later, “for shits and giggles.” It was finally cornered in San Angelo, Texas, where while trying to crawl away from a punishing firefight, it was immobilized by a valiant citizen driving on top of it with his Ford Canyonero. It currently is under Maximum Extra Super Security containment, with Its body, weak and largely skeletal after the human flesh was debrided, currently divided up between several lock boxes to minimize the effectiveness of any attacks. (The bits are all individually motile, but there’s only so much a single upper arm or foot can do. Personnel are warned to avoid direct flesh-bone contact, however, since they can sprout tiny gnawing teeth. The head’s fangs are kept in a box of their own).
Several attacks, presumably efforts to free Itself, have been carried out on Abomination Control security locations by bone and flesh constructs apparently under Jeeper Creeper’s control, varying from flying bone daggers to many-limbed horrors made of a great many human bones and scraps of flesh cleverly stitched together: so far, none of these attempts have succeeded.
A continuing problem is locating the bodies of the many victims: a few Creeper “nests” have been found, decorated with elaborately cut and stitched remains of dozens of individual victims, but this appears to be only a fraction of the total. Jeeper’s head is currently uncommunicative, due to lacking a tongue (It isn’t allowed one since it somehow converted the last one into a bunch of little tentacles used in an escape attempt).
26. REPORT: CHARLES AND RAY EAMES, THE MINIMALISTS
Closely resembling the long-dead famed designers in architecture, furniture, etc., this inhuman pair can be distinguished by their almost entirely black, white, and grayscale coloration, and the fact that they never blink. Their extreme anomaly is usually not noticed, however, at the time, save by those who have trained themselves to notice the Unthinkable: at the time, most people are aware of their being oddly “pale” and bloodless”, but only afterwards become aware that there was no actual color to their faces at all. People are warned to not let them into their house no matter how persuasive they may seem, and to never read their “minimalist manifesto.” Their presence in a house, even briefly, can lead to creeping “Minimalization” in which ornament, extra furnishings, homey disorder, comfortable furniture, etc. all slowly vanish as the home becomes a shining futuristic space with an excess of solidly colored geometric objects best inhabited by boring robots, and causing no end of existential terror to its inhabitants. In severe cases a house may become a thing of pure geometry and color, with spatial properties not conducive to human sanity. A severely infected structure should be burned, or if no longer burnable by earthly flame, crushed and then contained in concrete, because it will eventually start to infect nearby structures, cars, children’s playgrounds, etc.
Much worse can occur if one actually reads their Manifesto: what happens to a human being who becomes Minimalized is not pretty. “A pale, shining thing” – “a form made entirely of angles” – “a mere sketch of a human being” – “a man-shaped hole in the world” – too close a contemplation of the results can be a serious cognitive hazard. Currently victims are confined to isolated care units and cared for by staff with specially designed goggles, although increasing difficulty in communication between them and the staff and increasing Minimalization of their living quarters has led to proposals of their confinement under high-security conditions.
The duo have been quite active, popping up in locations around the globe wherever housing is more sophisticated than the grass shack, and spreading their ideas by pamphlet and internet posting in spite of all efforts to censor such information. They have also apparently taken part in the production of a movie, which was fortunately seized before it could be distributed, and have apparently helped inspire some new furniture designs which cause back pain and mental dissociation. Current standing orders are “destroy on sight”, but they have proven annoyingly resilient to violence. Bullets seem to pass right through them: high explosives are more effectual, but they simply seem to shatter into innumerable tiny geometric black and white forms which then fly away in all directions. Currently an effort is being made to weaponize the Black Staff of Eibon in an effort to banish them, but the high dissolution rate of test users has been so far discouraging.
27. REPORT: UKDL, THE TRIPLE-JOINTED
That it is called Ukdl can be determined from a brief passage in Von Addams große Buch der das Unaussprechliche, and that it is triple jointed can be determined from the fact that it’s immensely long and thin arm can be seen to have three joints as it emerges from the sea or low-lying clouds or openings in the Earth, extending itself as much as several hundred meters to grab a handful of people (or sheep, or cows: Ukdl is not picky) and drags them back to an unknown but probably mastication-centered fate. So far it’s sporadic and globe-wide appearances, and the apparent lack of a physical presence during other times, have prevented a hookup with local national or AC military assets, much to popular frustration. Efforts to locate Ukdl with the aid of psychics were temporarily suspended when one high-level asset was lost when Ukdl’s arm came out of a walk-in closet and grabbed her, but a new initiative is underway, somewhat hampered by the fact that actual psychics are very hard to fool into believing that the backpack nukes are actually “telepathic enhancement devices.”
28. REPORT: THE TERROR IN THE LINCOLN MEMORIAL REFLECTING POOL
First reported by tourists looking into the water (those of them which eventually stopped screaming), the Terror is an embarrassment to the US government, which finds itself unable to eliminate an Abomination situated right in the capital. (Admittedly the whole US government has been evacuated to a safer location high in the Colorado plateau, but it’s the principle of the thing). Descriptions of the Terror are somewhat unclear, but apparently it has a great many eyes, mouths, and tentacles, and the tentacles have suckers which are sometimes mouths and sometimes eyes and sometimes the screaming faces of dead people. So far the Terror seems uninterested or unable to leave the pool, and its tentacles have a reach of only about 150 feet, tops, making it a fairly low-level threat aside from the terror thing.
The pool is now apparently bottomless, briny and quite impossible to drain: the use of depth charges having proven ineffective, the government has erected a 20 meter steel chain fence covered with opaque tarps just outside of tentacle range and largely tries to ignore the issue. A system of closed circuit cameras focused on the fence, not the pool, and automated guns allows for the destruction of the occasional horrible, unearthly sea-thing which crawl or flops out of the pool, and heavy artillery and missiles are aimed at the area in case the Terror ever decides to leave the pool. Overflights are forbidden since a commercial flight passed close enough for some passengers to see something which sent them into fits (one of them tried to escape through the exit door while the plane was still in the air.) Visits to the Lincoln Memorial, which sits just beyond the fence line, are down and there have been some suggestions of moving the building. Of late, perhaps due to the Terror attempting to amuse Itself, thousand foot high black waterspouts, creepily alive-looking, have been forming over the pool and then collapsing, drenching the immediate neighborhood with smelly seawater.
29. THE UNQUESTIONABLE WISDOM OF THE HIVE MIND
Formerly known as “Wikipedia”, this entity appears to have gained malign consciousness early in September, when people began to report Wikipedia articles had somehow become much more convincing. This was merely annoying in the case of people who now believed in the existence of previously unknown or nonexistent countries, living entities, and historical events, but was very bad in the case of articles describing the hideous fates awaiting all humanity and the need for worship and human sacrifice and self-mutilation. Other articles, describing hideous ritual magic and ways to tear holes in the fabric of space-time, were potentially even more dangerous.
Millions were negatively impacted to a greater or lesser extent before measures could be taken. Attempts to shut down Wikipedia, including the destruction of physical servers, proved futile, and given the universal accessibility and cognitive threat of the entity, things might have gone much worse for humanity, if not for the fact that the Hive Mind remains bound by the fundamental characteristics of Wikipedia, most notably it’s editable nature. Therefore, the threat is maintained within tolerable levels by constant edit wars, which take a serious toll on the editors, since it is difficult to edit without reading what you are editing, and your average editor only last two weeks before succumbing to some form of memetic contagion and becomes suicidal, mad, or a Cultist (the last two being nonexclusive categories).
Abomination Control urges the public to avoid using Wikipedia at all, but if one must look something up for your term paper or must know the name of that girl who starred in that movie, stick to relevant articles, do not click on any suggested links no matter how interesting they may seem, and never, ever, click on “random article.”
On the positive side, articles on countries either strongly nationalistic or inspiring strong such feelings in other countries, aside from alarming prehistoric digressions, are now entirely accurate and bias free.